Nurse Dean
by Gibby402
Summary: Story idea where Dean is a nurse, and loves taking care of people, especially his baby brother Sammy. Cas is a new doctor who wants Dean to let him take care him for a change. They have to get over bad things from Dean's past In order to move on together.
1. Not just another day

The little badge he clipped on his scrubs said Winchester, Dean R.N. when he dressed in the locker room of this Kansas hospital. He's getting ready to start his shift. He became a nurse to take care of people, to do his part to save the world. And to better able to take care of his brother, Sammy.

If he was really honest with himself, maybe it was a little bit for penance too. But he really did love helping these people. especially the kids!  
And the best part of being a nurse and not a doctor, he could punch out any fucker who said being a nurse was gay.  
Dean Winchester was not gay! Even if he was a nurse. He just didn't like that doctors needed that much school, couldn't punch a guy out without hearing "aren't you a doctor", and he really didn't want to work their hours.  
Leaving the locker room and walking to the nurses station Dean was as usual the fist there of his shift. He smiles at the night nurse, a black woman in her fifties, "Hey Missy, how'd the night go?"  
Dean was a favorite with all the female nurses so she smiled when answered "Things are fine around here but the man in 1040 might be developing an infection so watch him close. Floor is full today so rounds should be busy."  
" Fun. Lets just hope that the ER doesn't get swamped or today might go to hell in a hand basket." Dean says as he collects charts for the doctors rounds. He does perk up when the only other male nurse on the floor, Nate, comes up smiling ear to ear. He almost burst out laughing when Missy says "Why do you look like the cat that ate the canary?"  
"Cause he probably did. Who's canary was it?" Dean says with a smirk and a lewd gesture that earned him a blush from Missy and a secretive smile from Nate.  
"Can it Winchester, whose gun I polish is none of your business. I'm here to spread som juicy gossip. We have a new doctor!" Nate practically squealed, "and he's hot and single!"  
"Okay... She's married and I'm straight, how does this matter for anyone but you?"  
"Well, fine then I won't invite you to the wedding, you... You, Debbie downer!" Nate says with fake hurt in his voice. "But seriously I don't think he's gay anyway, he wasn't checking me out in the cafe and we where literally right next to each other. But a boy can dream right."  
"Sure Honey, but all the dreaming in the world won't help you if he straight." Missy laughed and started toward the lounge to change and leave. " you can fill me in on the rest later, I need sleep."  
"Bye Missy." Both guys yelled. Then Dean said, "So you say your here to spill but I haven't learned anything."  
"His name is Castiel Novak, he moved here from California but no one knows why, and he's only working here till he can open a practice." Nate says in a rush.  
"Cool. Talk to me when you know what kinda sports he likes." Dean says as he walks into his first patients room. Nate keeps going to his own patients chuckling the whole way.  
The patient was a 10 year old girl with a bad case of flu a dehydration. Dean remembered when they were younger and Sammy had had the flu. The fever had been awful but Dean had tried to keep fluids down him. He felt bad for this girl.  
Just as he walked into the room he heard a deep slightly gravelly voice laughing along with the little girls. That voice made him stutter to a stop right as the man the voice belonged turned around and smiled.  
"Well Stephanie it looks like we have another friend coming to visit. Since this is both our first days we should probably introduce ourselves. I'm Dr. Novak." Gravel voice says. "I'm Stephanie. What's your name?" Says a weak sounding mousy looking girl.  
Dean hears his own voice say "I'm your nurse. My name is Dean." At the same time he feels his eyes sweep the doctors body. immediately he thinks I am not gay!


	2. Paging Dr Novak

Castiel Novak is not used to this. He hasn't felt this kind of instantaneous draw to a person since he was a teen. It worries him so he locks it away and tries to regain his professional composure.  
"Well nurse Dean, our friend here is not doing so well." He says this as he steps away from the patients bed, handing Dean the chart "I'm not sold that this is the flu, get as many saline bags in her as you can and start an antibiotic."  
"Dr. Novak this is the flu, an antibiotic is just going to cost her family and they don't have insurance. She doesn't need it."  
Castiel wasn't use to nurses questioning doctors, which is why he didn't expect it when Dean had stepped closer to him to do so. His body reacted approvingly but his heart and mind closed off in fear of his own reaction. Why did this man affect him so, why couldn't he let go of his fear, and why did every man make him remember Michael? And what was his reflex to his fear, his default setting?: know it all jerk.  
"I'm sorry which one of us is the doctor? Just give her the an antibiotic and if there is a problem page me." As he finished the statement he regretted it. The look of hurt and anger on the other mans face frightening.  
"Listen here douchewad, just cause I'm a nurse doesn't give you the right to be a dick. This is your first day so ill warn you now, I catch talking to Nate or the lady nurses like that and you'll be sorry you met me." Still talking in hushed tones because of the patient in the room caused the threat to sound sensual as well as menacing. Castiel had to suppress a shudder or give away his bodies reaction to this man. A most likely straight man, which would not be good.  
"Paging Dr. Novak to nurse station" was heard through the intercom. Breaking the gaze of the beautiful green eyed man Castile fled the room with a see you soon to Stephanie and not a word to Dean.

* * *

"He really said that to you?!" Nate said as Dean tried to explain his first meeting with the new doctor.  
"Yeah, was a total dick. But of course I couldn't take that and practically threatened to slice and dice if I caught him treating you or the girls that way. I just hope he doesn't get me fired." He said with a sigh, he really was worried. As right as he thought he was to say that, this was his work, he could have been more professional.  
"Your the best we've got. He'll figure it out and get over it. I was right though, he's hot right?" Nate looked hopeful as he asked this question. He knew Dean had only been with girls but he had a level of homophobia not seen in straight guys. That level of denial was harsh.  
Dean didn't know how to awnser. He had frozen at his first sight of those blue eyes and messy sex hair, he'd never experienced that with a dude before. Looking to his left to stall he sees the very subject of their conversation walking towards him. "Speak of the devil." He says to Nate.  
"Nurse Wichester, may I have a word with you?" His tone was polite but wary, like he was scared of Dean.  
Nate stood up at this, "I'll just go. Nice to see you Dr. Novak. Catch you later Dean."  
"Have I met him?" Castiel says, cocking his head to the side in a way that made Dean think he looked adorable.  
"No, but Nate has eyes and ears all over the hospital, he knows all about you." Dean paused taking in Dr. Novak's uneasy appearance at that. Finally he said, "You wanted to talk to me? If this about this morning I'm sorry I was so rude but I don't like people thinking I'm a push over because I'm a nurse."  
"Yes, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry too. At my old hospital nurses didn't question doctors and I was nervous any way. With this being my first day I guess I didn't want people thinking I was a pushover either." Castiel blushed "especially someone who looks like a NFL player."  
Dean let out a laugh that was warm and genuine, music to Castiels ears while at the same time ratcheting up his fear. At the same time Dean noticed the blush on Castiels cheeks which made heat flood his body, he wants to see more of that for sure.  
"Well when you're a male nurse people tend to talk, a lot, especially when you're friends with the only other male nurse who happens to be openly gay. The linebacker look tends to shut them up though." They both laugh at that but then fall quiet for a moment. "You ain't seen nothing until you've seen Sammy though."  
"Sammy?" Castiel hears the jealousy in his own voice and hopes that Dean doesn't.  
"Yeah my little brother. But he ain't so little anymore; 6'4" and 250 lb of muscle, kid puts line backers to shame. It's to bad he didnt play in college." The pride is clear in his voice but he still can't figure out why he is spilling his guts to someone he just met.  
"You sound more like a parent then a brother. Do you have any kids?" It was out before he could stop it.  
"No but if we are gonna get all close and shit I think we need to be on a first name basis. You already know I'm Dean, what do people call you?"  
"My name is rather strange to some so please refrain from school yard taunts... Castiel." His face blushes again.  
"Yeah I can't call you that if I can't make fun of it... Can I call you Cassie?"  
"No, I had a kid call me that in college and people always expected me to be a girl." Dean definitely doesn't like that frown on Cas' face. Wait?  
"Cas then?" Dean watches as he tilts his head to the side to think, it just as adorable as earlier.  
"That is acceptable, unless we are with a patient."  
"Yeah, fine. What where your parents thinking with that name?" dean hopes that doesn't count as a school yard taunt cause he really wants to know more about Cas.  
"They thought names mean something, so all of us where named after angles. Castiel is the angle of Thursday." A thought full look passes Cas' face. "Did you know your name means valley? Or church official."  
"Ah, no... How do you know that?" Dean tries to understand how his thoughts got from inviting this human encyclopedia to the bar tonight to the meaning if names.  
"Eptimology is fun and a common project in many English courses. Dean was often a name given when one wanted a strong son." Cas' thoughts took a rather naughty turn and he silently disciplined himself for going there. Dean probably wasn't gay.  
"English wasn't my thing, it was Sammy's. Anatomy on the other hand..." There was that color in Cas' cheeks again. Dean could just picture it covering his chest. "Look since your new around here would you like to get a drink with some of us after work?"  
"Yes I would like that very much." Was he asking him out?! No, surely not.  
"Cool meet me out front at shift end. I have to get back to work."  
Cas was left staring after him, still confused as to what had actually happened. Had he made a friend or a date? Either way he was excited for tonight.

* * *

Dean was trying not to pace. If Cas took much longer it would stop working. Why the hell was he so nervous? Cas was the new guy and this is how you got the new guy to make friends. Plus, even if Dean were gay - that's a really big if, Cas most likely isn't. If he where, Nate would be all over him. Oh god, this was gonna be a long night.

Just then Cas walked outside. He had on his same blue suit but had exchanged a white coat for a trench coat. "I started to think you weren't comming. Where is your car?" Dean said in a hurry.  
"I do not drive. Where are we going? I could take the bus line." Cas does not understand Dean's facial expression.  
"What? You move to Kansas, without a car?" What did you expect to do when it snows? If the buses shut down the hospital doesn't."  
"I didn't have that problem in New York. I guess I must buy a car before winter." Cas knows nothing about cars.  
"Well if you need I can help with the search but for now I'll drive to the bar. This way."  
Dean leads in the direction of his car and Cas feels slightly uncomfortable being alone with Dean in a confined space. And then he sees the car.  
"She is beautiful!" Cas says in a shocked voice. "This is Baby. A 1967 Chevy Impala, the most beautiful car in the world!" Is Deans affectionate reply. "I got her from my father." His voice is hard for Cas to decode, is that anger or sadness in his voice?  
"She is in very good condition." Cas hopes this is a safe conversation.  
"Yeah I did all the work, with the help of our uncle Bobby. He owns a salvage yard over in South Dakota. I spent a lot of time there as a teen."  
"So your family is close?" Cas didn't remember wanting to say that.  
"Well, what I have left. My parents are gone and Bobby is family in all but blood. But if a Winchester considers you family they would live and die for you." Dean thinks that so many of them already have, tries to avoid those thoughts and wonders why he is compelled to share and care with this man. Why does he feel he can trust him when he barely knows him.  
"I'm sorry, I am trying for nuteral subjects because we just met, and I'm not very good at socializing." My brothers would love to see this he thinks.  
"It's all good dude, I can do nuteral. What did you do where you lived before?" Dean prays this is nuteral, they only have a few more minutes to drive.  
"Well New York is much different..."  
"Wait wait wait, you moved to Kansas from New York?!" Dean looked and sounded shocked. Cas blushed under the scrutiny but steeled himself for veiled honesty, his best strategy.  
"Yes, I, um, needed a change of pace. In the city you are never lonely even if you prefer to be by yourself, as I did, I would work to get where I am in my career, and then sleep, and when I woke I could do anything. It's a city of endless possibilities there's broadway and coffee shops, street performers, Central Park, and endless possibilities..." He has sounded so excited talking about the city that Dean was grinning big with him, but now Cas turns somber again and Dean's grin fades "but those possibilities are not all good and that is why I left."  
Dean pulls into the lot and shuts off the car but makes no move to get out. "You mean like crime, robberies, muggings and stuff?"  
"Um, yeah, and stuff." Cas could see in Deans eyes he thought Cas was hiding something but let it slide with nothing more than a concerned look. Cas really didn't want his pity and he didn't want to talk about it. He just wanted to forget about Michael.  
They walked into a place called the roadhouse and dean headed straight for the bar. He motioned for Cas to follow.  
"Hey Dean. What will it be?" The bar tender said kissing Dean on the cheek. Dean smiled.  
"Just a beer Jo, I have a passenger tonight. This is Cas, a new doc at work."  
"Hi Cas, what can I get you?" Jo might be Dean's girlfriend Cas thought.  
"I don't know, I don't usually drink and this doesn't seem like a place to have a wine selection." Jo and Dean laughed.  
"Well your right about that. I'll just whip you something up. Dean Sam is at the normal booth and the hospital crowd is next to him. Mom is whipping up your usual dinner should I tell her to make it three?" She looks at Cas then back at Dean.  
"Yeah and put his drink and Dinner on my tab too." Jo nodded and walked away. Cas tried to protest but Dean just held up his hand and started to push Cas towards a booth.  
Cas stops when he sees a huge man standing next to the table they are heading for. Cas hated his fear but he did not do well in situations that where unknown. He started to back behind Dean.  
Dean felt Cas grab his wrist and start backing away. He was trembling, backing away from something, a look of terror in his eyes. Dean felt like he had to make it better.  
"Cas, Cas, look at me. What is it, what's wrong?" He put his hand on Cas' shoulder, forced Cas to look in his eyes with a gentle hand to his cheek.  
"T-That man," gasp "h-he is very large, and reminds me of... Someone?" Cas wonders when he started to hyper ventilate.  
Who would do something to this man to make him like this, what did they do? "Cas that is Sammy, my baby brother, he wouldn't hurt a fly. Your not scared of me right? " Cas nods. "Then don't be scared, I'm right here."  
"Your 'baby brother' is far bigger than you described. I am sorry for reacting that way. I did not intend for anyone to see that."  
"No need to apologize Cas. Whatever happened is none of my business unless you make it so, but PTSD doesn't need to rule your life. The hospital therapist can help you." Dean didn't get to say anymore before an oblivious Jo carrying for and their drinks rushed by. "Come on boys, grub is up." She hurried up to Sam who was now sitting in the booth. They both sat and Jo put down plate, burgers for Cas and Dean, a large salad for the jolly green giant.  
As Jo walks away Cas is still nervous with Sam just across the table. He watches as Sam closes his lap top and smiles at him. "Hello, I'm Sam." He said as he put out his hand.  
"My name is Castiel Novak, I am new at the hospital." Cas says as his fear slips away. Sams smile is reassuring.  
The rest of the night is spent getting to know people from the hospital and sipping on the drinks that Jo kept making him. At one point Dean and Cas where separated and Cas went back to the table. Sam had already gone, to study for law school Cas had learned. Just then Jo came to the table, apparently on break because she was carrying food for herself. She sat across from Cas.  
"How you doing Cas?"  
"I am fine." Cas did not understand the question.  
"It's just I saw you earlier, you know. You had this look on your face that I recognized. I saw it on Dean's more than once."  
"I do not understand?"  
" Just left over dreams and memories from his past. They used to wake him up at night and he would have that look, just like you had. Don't tell him I told you though, he'd kill me."  
"I am fine, I don't know what look you are referring too. So you and Dean are together then?" Cas didn't know why but his stomach sank and he started to drink his drink in earnest."  
"Suit yourself then. And God no, not anymore! I liked him once but I'm pretty sure he is in the closet if you no what I mean. We just didn't work but we stayed friends."  
Cas felt relived and excited that Dean might be gay, but also scared. What if he wasn't or just wasn't ready. Or what if Cas wasn't ready after all just seeing someone (who didn't really look like Michael) he freaked. What was going on here.  
"Well I have to get back to work but you can talk to me if you need, or to Dean since he's been there. You want another drink?"  
"Yes please, brandy. And start a tab for me please." With that she walked away.  
The rest of the night blurred. He was pretty drunk by the time Dean found him flirting with that Nate from work in a corner of the bar. There was a weird look in his eye as he approached them.  
"Hey Cas, you still need a ride or is Nate taking you home?" Cas read the double meaning and didn't much like the accusation in the mans voice.  
"Yes I still would like a ride home." He said cool and calm.  
"Okay let's go. I already covered our tab." Dean grabbed his arm lightly and said a good-bye to Nate.  
"I had my own tab too." Cas tried to pull away.  
"I took care of it too."  
"Why, this was not a date Dean." They are already out side and air is refreshing.  
"Because I felt like it." Dean says as he gets in the car. "So flirting with Nate huh?" He says when Cas gets in the car.  
"Does that bother you?" Cas doesn't know what awnser he was expecting when he asks.  
Yes! But not why you think. "I don't know." Dean hates being so confused. "Where do you live?"  
Cas gives the address and Dean drives. The ride is silent and slightly awkward. When they arrive at Cas's house Dean shuts off the engine.  
"Why?" The question is out before Cas knows it. He can't bring himself to look at Dean so he busies himself with a spot on his pants.  
"Why what?"  
"Why would it bother you if I flirt with Nate. He is openly gay and you are his friend."  
"Cas look at me." He waits till Cas does. "It's not that, I don't care that you are gay, if you are, it's just... I didn't like seeing you together."  
"Why? I don't understand?"  
Cas starts to look away only to have Dean stop him with a hand on his cheek. He slowly slides over on the seat and leans in, giving Cas plenty of time to stop him. Their lips touch at last and the reaction is instant. Fire courses through their bodies and Dean growls low in his throat and his hand slips to the back of Cas's neck deepening the kiss.  
Cas moans at the feeling of his lips against Dean's. he puts one hand on Dean's hip and the other around his back to pull him closer, wanting to just get lost in the pleasure of sex. This all ends when Dean pulls him flat down on the seat and covers him with his body. When Cas starts to struggle Dean grabs his wrists.  
"Stop! Stop, Stop, STOP!" Cas is shaking, tears starting to run down his cheeks. Dean finally notices the panic in his voice and looks to see Cas' face.  
"Oh my god! Cas, did I hurt you?" Shaking and scared Cas nods a no with out even knowing. "Then what's wrong?"  
Cas doesn't really hear him. With glazed over eyes he isn't seeing the inside of the Impala, the guilt on Deans face, or his own shaking body. He is reliving the horrors of his time with Michael. The bruises left where no one could see, broken bones just infrequently enough no one thought twice, that last night from which all he clearly remembers is a knife covered in his own blood.  
"CAS!" He startles at his own name and finally looks at Dean.  
"I'm sorry." Is all he can manage as he races rom the car and up the stairs leaving Dean in the car confused as hell.


	3. Dr Are The Worst Patients

AN: So this is a little short but I haha been busy with work and ready some really good fics lately so forgive me. Reviews and stuff would help(wink, wink ).

Chapter 3 - doctors are the worst patients

Three days. You wouldn't think that living in a town this size and working in the same place that Cas could avoid him this effectively. But he has. And Dean knows he is coming to work because Nate said so.  
Nate asked Dean "what the hell did you dumbass do?" After seeing Cas in the cafe looking like crap and pretending to eat breakfast. Dean always knew doctors where the worst patients, you can tell by the way they avoid problems. And to think Dean was supposedly emotionally stunted.  
This whole situation left Dean with very few options. So he pulled a few strings and got a hold of Cas's schedule and he is going to confront him now.

* * *

"Damn!" He had been waiting outside the doctors locker room for Cas to come out at the end of his shift. At the first glimpse of him Cas had turned and run back in, know Dean wasn't allowed in there. This was just peachy.

But Dean would wait all night if he had to. He had to know what went wrong. The first time he decides not to repress something and it blows up in his face, not only blows, but goes fucking nuclear! And after one of the best kisses of his life. He was gonna sit right here till Cas had to use the bathroom or something and follow him. Yeah that sounds like a plan, only it wasn't. After an hour an a half Dean had to piss and Cas still hadn't showed. Just as he gets up and turns to go he feels eyes on him, he sees some one peeking out the dark blue curtains of the window and he knows its Cas and that Cas will bolt the second he walks away.  
He pulls out his cell phone and dials. His only solution with out going full on stalker is to enlist help. There is only one thing that he can think of that would keep Cas here as much the sight of Dean.  
"Hey Dean, where are you?" Says Sams in his deep baritone.  
"I'm still at the hospital and I need a favor."  
"Are you working?"  
"No but I'm trying to talk to Cas and he has locked himself in the doctors changing room. I'll explain later but I need you to make sure he doesn't leave while I do something real quick."  
"Sure but how am I gonna keep him there?" Confusion was thick in his voice.  
"He's scared of you gigantor, he hasn't known us long enough to get that you an overgrown puppy."  
"Jerk! I'll be there soon."  
"Bitch! Thanks man."  
Twenty minutes later Sam walks down the hall to dean. "Dude your a life saver!" Dean throws over his shoulder running towards the nearest rest room. Sam leans against the wall and watches the lounge door. Soon he sees someone peeking out the curtains and soon after the door opens.  
"Hello Sam. Where has Dean gone?" Cas says in a shy voice.  
"Uh, not sure, he said he needed to do something and that he didn't want you to run while he was gone. Why are you avoiding him anyway?"  
"It's nothing. I just don't wish to speak to him. Ill just be going now."  
"No Castiel you can't. Dean told me to keep you here till he got back."  
"How?" Cas sounded scared.  
"Jeez, don't look so scared, I'm not gonna hurt you. But for Dean to ask me for this, it must be important. What ever he did or said I can tell you he didn't mean it. Just talk to him."  
"Sam he didn't do anything wrong! It was all me, I'm the one who freaked out after the kiss, I can't even tell him why, and I'm to embarrassed to face him." Cas was already panicking but when he heard Sam softly say "kiss?" He really panicked. Had he just outed someone? This had gotten to fucked up for Cas to handle, what if the hospital heard about this mess?  
Just then they heard footsteps. Looking over they saw Dean and his worried expression.  
Dean knew something big had just happened. Cas looked more scared then expected and Sam looked like his world had just exploded. He finally reached them and Cas blurts out "I'm sorry" at the same time Sam says "you kissed him". Aw shit! Cas is backing away and Dean just let's him go. He turns to Sammy, guess its time to face the music.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm sorry Sammy." They had been standing here for nearly fifteen minutes since Cas booked it and neither had said a word before this. Dean had just looked at the floor waiting for Sam's wrath that had yet to come.

"For what Dean, kissing a guy or dragging me into this and not telling me?"

"Both." Dean had still not looked at him or he would have seen the worry, not anger, on his brother's face. He definitely didn't expect the sorrow in his voice as Sam asked the next question.

"How long have you been hiding this?"

"What? I just met Cas yesterday Sam."

"No Dean, you attraction to men. I'm okay if you gay, or bi, or pan, or what ever this is but I just wish you had told me." Sam loved Dean, they where brothers and all but it was more than that. Dean was the parent their father wasn't and their mother couldn't be. Sam just wanted the chance to pay him back for his sacrifice and Dean had denied him that.

"Can we do this somewhere else, please. I work here. I'm off now so we can go home or to the Roadhouse, anywhere but here Sammy, please?" They where giving each other matching puppy eyes.

It was Sam who looked away first, "yeah Dean, let's head home."

* * *

Dean gets home first. He and Sam share a bottom floor apartment not far from the hospital. He changes and waits for Sam to in. He has no idea why Sam is upset if he said he is okay with this. He braces himself for the worst when Sam walks into the kitchen.

"Okay where home, now please tell me why you didn't tell me, didn't trust me, with this." Sam says as he sits at the table.

"Is that what you think? That I didn't trust you. No! That couldn't be further from the truth. Sam your my brother, who could I trust to have my back more?"

"Then what?"

"Sam if I tell you this I have to tell you all of ot so I need you to not say anything till I'm done or ill loose my nerve." He got a head nod and continued. "Okay. So for the most part I like women, I do, that's not a front or anything, I just haven't loved any of them. The closest I've come would have to be Cassie, or maybe Lisa, but I just don't have enough in common with women to love them. I first figured this out that year we spent in Louisiana, remember?"

"Yeah, you had a friend that went missing and you ran away when Dad wouldn't let you help with the search party. I was like ten."

Yeah and it was before your birthday but after mine so I was fifteen when he went missing. We had already been there awhile, I met Benny in school. Had been friends all year, and some where in that year I realized I was attracted to him. I was so scared he would find out and hate me that I hid it from him. It didn't matter, one day he put the moves on me, I was so shocked, but it was good, shocked meant I wasn't over thinking. That was a couple months before he went missing and we secretly dated, and I swear if you tell anyone I was so sappy ill kill you, but I fell in love. Which is why I was so torn up when he went missing. I completely disobeyed and trampled off into a swamp to find him. Once I found him it took us a week to get back but it felt like a year. We joked it was monster hell. But I was so happy he was safe.

At this point I had talked myself into telling dad I had a... Boyfriend... I invited Benny over to wait with me and being teenagers our homones got the best of us. Um, god how do I say this, dad caught us in a compromising position. Threw Benny out and we left the next day.

What do you remember about leaving there Sammy?"

"What I usually remember, dad or the town pissed, leaving in a hurry. I remember you where hurt though... Did dad do that?"

"Umm, yeah." Deans voice was thick so he cleared his throat. "He beat me and said no son of his would grow up to be a faggot. Every time he ever caught me looking at another male, sometimes not like that at all, or being anything but what he thought was macho he would beat me. But even after I was eighteen I couldn't leave you with him, so I just took it until you went to college."

"Dean that's like eight years, I understand why you didn't say anything when I was younger, but for a couple years there I know you knew I fought with dad to take heat off you, why couldn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to think of me like he did. I slept around and stuff so you wouldn't suspect, I couldn't loose you like I had already lost Benny and Dad. " He had started to cry and was tying (and failing) to hide it.

"Never Dean. You where always there for me, you protected me from the worst of his drinking, all of the abuse, and apparently his bigotry too. I would never abandon you."

"Yeah well, I was still scared. But it gets worse. Do you remember the first thing I did after putting you on the bus for Stanford?"

"Army?"

"Yeah, enlisted to support you. But what I never told you was that Benny was in my unit."

"What? The same Benny?"

"Yeah. I had enlisted in New Orleans, Benny was already in and I was assigned to his unit, same squad actually, after basic. We went to medic school together. Rekindled our romance, where Deployed together, always together." He smiled as he remember the good times but it fades when he remembers why he even brought this up. "He died I front of me, in my arms..."

"God, Dean..."

"No Sammy this is the part where you don't interrupt. You and everyone else where told that it was just regular PTSD but it wasn't battle that scared me, it was holding Benny while he died, hearing his last words chocked out around his own blood, knowing he was in point because he said I looked tired. He died taking care of me, his last word was my name..."

Sam moved to pat Deans back. Waiting for him to compose himself. When he had he continued. "That was why I got out and came to live with you in Cali. It all hurt to much, reminded me of him, and I couldn't tell my therapist about the dreams because of Benny, his death is what I see, it's that particular explosion, that gets to me.

So I hid it again, even though once we where out Benny and I where gonna tell you about us, but I just didn't think I could be with another man after him. "

They where quiet for a long time. Dean though maybe that was enough for Sam and was about to go to bed when he asked "Why Cas?"

"I don't know... I've known him less that a workweek and spent maybe a day of that on good terms with him. At first site it was lust, and then believe it or not we both delt with it by being jack asses. Then we started talking and apologized and he is really interesting but I can tell he is running form something and is scared and he just makes me want to protect him... And I think he has PTSD too."

"Why would you say that." Sam looked confused.

"Do you remember him when we first showed up at the bar?" A head nod is his awnser, but Sam still looks confused. "He was so nervous because he. Had just had a panic attack because he saw you."

"Me?!" now he looks scandalized not confused.

"Yeah, you where next to the booth and he is following me over, and then all of a sudden he grips my wrist like a life preserver and looked like he'd seen a ghost. I calmed him down he said it was cause you reminded him of someone. Someone who is a gigantor like you has traumatized him and I swear if I find out who ill kill him."

"Okay, that still doesn't explain him avoiding you or when you kissed, and why he says it isn't your fault?" Damn know it all little brothers.

"It is my fault, I should have gotten his number instead of dry humping him in front of his building."

"What?! you tell me what sounds like Cas was raped or beaten and has PTSD, and then that you apparently forgot and tried to jump his bones. You need a cat scan cause I swear you have brain damage Dean!"

"I know Sam. But I was jealous he was flirting with Nate and I kissed him... And he kissed back... And, then he is under me with his hands pinned and yelling stop, and then running when I finally see what I'm doing... I don't know how it happened!"

"Dean your an idiot but I don't think this is your fault. He said it was him, that he just couldn't . I think he is avoiding you to avoid his issues and there isnt much you can do about it."

"I'm still gonna try Sammy!" Dean sounds small and broken.

"I know Dean, let's catch some Z's huh?"

"Yeah, but you know we just met the chick flick quota for the year right?"

Shaking his head Sam leads him down the hall, says goodnight, and prays Dean doesn't dream tonight.


End file.
